Twisted Affairs
by Georgia Doe
Summary: Riza leaves Roy for Havoc, Hohenheim decides to start dating again, and horror lays in store for our dear Edward. Crack fic, pure humor. Riza x ?
1. Chapter 1

A/N this story is purely humor, I had help on the story from my good friend **Witch of Darkness.** It's high quality cocain, very crazy, very random. But the ending of it... well, you'll see. All started with my pity of Havoc, Roy always gets Riza so I decided to switch it around for once.

Disclaimer: If I owned FMA, this would be part of the story, not bad fanfiction.

_Dear Roy,_

_I've left with Havoc. It never would have worked out between us, please don't_

_look for me._

_Sincerely,_

_Riza_

The paper slipped out of the colonel's hands and lightly fluttered to the ground. The office door opened and Hughes walked in, second to come in that morning. "Hey Roy- wait, are you okay?" Hughes stopped, walking over to Roy. The man sat down, his mouth agape. "You know it's creeping me out how you're not saying anything or moving," Hughes said, hovering over him, "You aren't going to turn your head around in a three-sixty and start puking are you?" Roy shook his head slowly from side to side, as though not quite sure that he wouldn't. Hughes frowned, noticing a piece of paper on the floor and picking it up.

Hughes's eyes darted over the page, doing a double take, triple take, and eventually just rereading the whole thing. "Is… did… Roy, is this some sort of sadistic, twisted, well thought out joke?" Roy's head continued shaking in the same manner, the manner that said; could be, I couldn't remember. Please tell me if you find my brain, I think its just jumped out of the window and committed suicide. "But… Havoc?"

Roy nodded.

"With Riza?"

Roy nodded.

"When you two were-"

"You're not helping Hughes!" Roy finally yelled, emerging from his daze. "You know what? Fine! She can go out with him, we all have free will, and I don't need her!" Roy said, pulling on one of his alchemy gloves. "It's her loss," Roy said, snapping his fingers and burning the paper into cinders in an instant. "I swear, Havoc finally found someone to go out with," he continued, laughing, "I'm happy for them both! Even though Riza could have been with me, I mean-"

"Sorry to rain on your denial parade Roy," Hughes interrupted finally, "But your desk is on fire." The cinders from the paper had indeed caught the wood on fire, and they continued to spread.

"Shit!" Roy yelled, jumping up and pulling off his coat to beat out the flames. Edward was the next to walk in the door.

"I. Don't. Need. Riza!" Roy yelled furiously, kicking over the desk as the fire grew, spreading to the carpet. Ed took a step inside before seeing this scene, immediately stopping.

"I don't even want to know," he relayed, before stepping back out and closing the door.

"Ah, now you've scared off Ed," Hughes said, "Be back in a second Roy." He walked to the door, opening it and stepping out. In the time it took for the door to pen and close, Edward's vocabulary of swear words had been doubled. "Hey Ed. Cover your virgin ears; I swear I don't know where he learned that phrase."

"What the hell's going on in there?" Ed asked, joining Hughes in being utterly oblivious to the fact that the room was on fire. Or at least pretending to be.

"He's in denial," Hughes replied knowledgably, "Riza ran off with Havoc and he just found the note this morning."

"And remind me, how did this lead to him setting his desk on fire?" Ed replied, making no move towards the door, where said fire raged on in plain view through the window. Roy tripped over a chair, spreading it.

"Long story," Hughes replied, rubbing the back of his neck. They both looked inside of the office where Roy was running around, yelling something they couldn't quite hear. "Do you want to go get some breakfast?"

Ed watched Mustang fall to the ground, rolling about in a rather funny looking way, trying to put out his shirt. "Sure, I haven't eaten yet," Ed replied, smiling as he looked back to Hughes. In all truth he had eaten just minutes ago, but those croissants looked so good, one or two more couldn't hurt.

Back inside the office, the fire alarm finally went off, and the ceiling sprinklers began to pour out water, soaking Roy. He yelled something undoubtedly very profane, getting to his feet pulling off his boots to pour out the water that had gathered in them, continuing to yell. He tripped over a chair again. Hughes covered Ed's ears as the noise of the frustrated yell made it out of the door. "Come on," Hughes said, unplugging Ed's ears after about a minute. They walked down to the cafeteria, lost in thought. Roy had been outdone by Havoc. _This_ was news.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N Written yet again, entirely for humor value, I'd like to once again thank Genevive, **Witch of Darkness**, for helping me come up with the plot for this, and allowing me to have the great honor of typing it. Five reviews as always is my minimum, lets see how this new chapter goes!

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. The world is cruel.

Riza strode down the street, balancing groceries in her arms and humming to herself. This was all turning out really quite funny, Havoc, the last guy to ever get a girl, had gotten her from Roy. Or more precisely, she'd gotten him. Either way.

She wasn't quite sure whether she'd done it because of her blossoming relationship with Havoc, her feminine desire to explore new things, or the simple instinctive need to piss Roy off as much as she could. Whichever it was, she was long overdue in the need of a vacation, and being away from Roy in general was indescribable. It was a bit like when it's winter so you always turn on the heater, but it's one of the metal heaters that's really old so it's all crusty and creaky and makes that shrieking whistling noise every single time you even press the 'on' switch, until, after many months of horrible, grating tolerance, you finally lose it and just put a bullet through the damn thing and buy a new one. After a few moments thought, Riza decided that that described how she felt right then pretty well. She did not at all miss the grating, shrill whistling noise of Roy complaining and bitching about how his papers were stapled, or how she never wore miniskirts, or how Ed was so God damn short. All in all, he was very much like the heater she'd thrown away last winter.

Her relationship with Havoc was lacking, but it was a nice change. He was kind, and agreed to do what she wanted, and no longer whined about anything, considering that all that he'd ever had to whine about before was how Roy always took and slept with all of the girls that were in his life, or he even faintly recognized from seeing in the store or at the flower shop or had told him the time of day at some point or another in life. Mustang had even tracked down his old crush from 11th grade that he'd never had the guts to ask out all 4 years of going to school with. Riza had the sinking suspicion that it hadn't been coincidence, considering it had been a week before Havoc's High School Reunion, which he'd decided not to go to in the end. All in all, it was a hilarious turn of events, and Riza had decided that Havoc deserved it.

Feeling a slight, but unmistakable pang of homesickness, Riza stopped at a payphone, feeding in several coins and dialing a number. "The code is 1-9-5, I need to speak to Roy Mustang's office," Riza said, waiting as the military officials on the other end of the line, a particularly annoying brunette secretary, checked the databases.

"You got the clear, I'll patch you through," she finally said; Riza cringed as she listened to the girl noisily chewing gum, horrified to find another person to compare to her old heater. Would it never end?

"Hello?" Came an all too familiar voice. Riza clicked her tongue, her cheeks rounding as she grinned.

"Hughes? It's Riza, how's it going?" she asked, laughing at his gasp of surprise.

"Riza! Is that really you?"

"I just said that it was. How's Roy and Ed and everyone else?"

"Roy's taking out his anger on Ed by doubling the load of short jokes, he must be paying someone to make them up for him considering how many he uses a day. So Ed is looking forward to your return, and Roy's in horrible, unbelievably funny denial over it all. You're really going out with Havoc?"

"Yes, I am," Riza laughed, "But I think it's really just going to be a temporary thing, it's not really going anywhere."

"Too bad, you know- hey! It's my conversation, you can talk next! Ed-" the phone was silent except for a few muffled sounds of conflict of some sort.

"Riza?" Came Ed's desperate voice, "Riza get back here before I kill Roy and get accused of treason for God's sake! The entire office is one mass of paper airplanes, without you the only thing we can rely on is anarchy! Hey!" More muffled noises.

"Riza! Why Havoc, why?" Roy yelled. Riza could hear the other two yelling in the background.

"Oh, he's just so much more of a man, you wouldn't believe how much he knows about sex-" Roy slammed the phone down on the other end, and Riza hung up her phone once she noticed, falling down in the phone booth laughing helplessly, her ribs hurting it was so funny. "Oh god I'm going to die, that was too great!" Riza giggled hysterically, pulling herself back up and walking back out, seeking the path she'd taken earlier.

Riza wandered for a while, dread growing in her as she realized how lost she was. "Give me your cash," came a hoarse voice behind her, as Riza spun around, reaching for the pistol's that weren't there.

"Crap," she said through clenched teeth, realizing they were back at the hotel. "Look, I don't have any money, I spent it all shopping."

"Oh really?" The man asked unbelievingly, holding up a knife and stepping forward ominously. Riza stepped back into a fighting stance, she preferred guns, but if this is what it took…

"You know that's certainly a lot of groceries," Came another voice from behind Riza as she felt a large, strong hand fall on her shoulder. "I wouldn't be surprised if she really had spent all of her money on them. So why don't you just let her go?" Riza looked up to see a very tall man standing behind her, looking on in a very relaxed air. The man with the knife, having to look almost strait up to see the other man's face, turned and ran. Riza relaxed, letting out an elongated sigh as she turned to see the man. He really was quite handsome, and he seemed to remind her of someone.

"Thank you so much, I'm really sorry, I was just lost," she said, smiling at him. "Here, let me take you back to my place and make dinner for you as a thank you!" He smiled, adjusting his glasses and rubbing the back of his neck.

"Well, I haven't eaten yet, alright then. It really was no problem at all, you really look quite a bit like my late wife so I couldn't help but notice you there." Riza smiled, taking his hand and shaking it.

"I'm Riza Hawkeye, I work in the military, but I'm on vacation right now. You?"

"Oh, I'm Hohenheim Elric, I guess you could say I'm on vacation too. Pleasure to meet you."


End file.
